@mr_paintguy

1 month ago

I’m just gonna lay everything out. I want to walk with God but I’m just honestly filled with despair and the feeling that I’ve tested God’s patience far too many times. I walk on eggshells every time I want to do things in my free time that don’t directly glorify God, like playing a video game before Bible study. The same thought will run through my mind that if you do this, “You’re going to Hell.” And I’ll do it anyways out of spite. I pray and ask for forgiveness and the cycle just repeats. It’s hard to feel genuine when you’ve done it so many times. I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he died on the cross, and that he rose. But I also am filled with that “fearful expectation of judgment.” In Hebrews 10:26-27. But then the Bible talks about if we do sin we have an advocate with Jesus Christ, so I don’t know where I stand, am a past forgiveness or not, I know all that I’ve done is my own fault and I got no one but God, but I get frustrated with rules all the time. It’s also I’ve been in the faith my whole life, I’m not new to this, so there feels like my excuse of ignorance is gone. I honestly feel like I’m going insane, and wish I was dead most days so I would stop committing dire sins everyday, but I’m also too afraid that Hell is my final destination. I’m just heart broken everyday because I just want to reset everything but the dread of too little too late weighs on my soul always. I know the story of the prodigal son, but I don’t know if it applies to someone twice, twenty, or infinite amounts of times, or if they knew the consequences to begin with. If anyone can help me I would appreciate it, I want God, but after everything the search feels so pointless. I don’t know what’s an attack from the enemy or my own choices and feelings towards God, I sit and I pray and I’ll feel good then I slip up and want to die for the rest of the day.

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