Helium_Beatbox @[email protected]
165K subscribers - no pronouns :c
Welcoem to posts!!
in the future - u will be able to do some more stuff here,,,!! like pat catgirl- i mean um yeah... for now u can only see others's posts :c
!!!
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DID YOU SEE OUR NEW VIDEO!?
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My dear friends! I hope you like my new video 🙏🏻Thank you for supporting me all this time and for waiting 🙏🏻To be honest, it took me much more time than I planned. I will not write much about the reasons here. In short: it was very, very difficult and a big challenge for me. But I think I did much better than I expected.
Tomorrow I wanna stream. And then I want to take 2 weeks off from beatboxing. I'll spend one week with my family. And another week I'll mentor a camp for teens, taking care of their hearts.
And in this photo yesterday I was trying to get internet in the field to upload a video 🫠Don't even ask why it happened) The main thing is that I finally did it!!
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I want to share what is overwhelming my thoughts right now. And I just can't think about anything else for the past week.
For 2 years I studied at a school of Christian counseling. This is a symbiosis of psychology and Christian teaching. And today I finished my last session. The main goal of this education is to help people with relationship problems. But first of all, this education helped me see a lot of pain and lies in my heart, with which I have lived my whole life.
Our character and our thinking are 100% formed in childhood by our parents and peers. All of our strengths and weaknesses are the result of what was broadcast to me about myself during my childhood. And it was the attitude of my parents that shaped my personality.
I will very briefly and superficially describe key moments from my childhood.
My father was always very rude and laughed at my failures. When I showed emotion, he perceived it as my weakness and humiliated me for it. And in general, he constantly showed me that I was a weakling.
My parents fought very often and my mother was emotionally unstable, she had hysterics. This created a huge sense of guilt in me; I felt guilty for my mother’s emotional state.
Even as a child, I experienced sexual abuse for several years by a guy who was 3 years older than me. Because my parents didn't give me the love and attention I needed, I became very attached to this guy, and I really wanted him to value me, to be interested in me. And I was ready to do everything to ensure that he continued to communicate with me. And of course I was afraid to tell my parents about this, because I was very afraid of my father's reaction. But most of all I was afraid that this guy would turn his back on me and no longer communicate with me.
And I finally finally saw the portrait of my personality. Today I am a little boy trying to appear strong and confident to the world. But this is just an external frame, because inside, instead of real strength and confidence, I am burned with an endless feeling of guilt, inside I am infinitely weak. And despite everything that I show externally, inside I really want the whole world to take pity on me and pay attention to me. And I hate myself for every emotion I show, for every weakness I have, because my father’s voice says in these moments: “You are a weakling and a nonentity.” And my whole life is built around this thinking: I really want to be pitiful and vulnerable in the eyes of others so that they will pay attention to me, but at the same time I cannot do this, because I am forbidden to show any emotions of weakness. So my whole life I've just been driven crazy by myself.
Everything that I am writing now seems very simple and understandable. And it seems why I didn’t see this in myself before. But I was so used to living with my old thinking that I couldn’t even believe that I could be different. I'm used to perceiving my victim state as something normal. And no amount of encouragement or words from those around me could truly lift me up and change me. Because my own thinking rejects any support and attempts to prove to me that I am actually worth something.
I underwent major oncology surgery twice in 2017 and 2018. And then I thought that I just had to come to terms with it, that this was just something that should make me stronger. But now I finally understand that these tumors in my back are my accumulated conflict with myself and emotional pain that I could not express in any way and forbade myself to express it. But my body was under this stress and at such a young age I had such major surgeries. I tried to suppress and ignore this problem in my mind, but I can't fool my body, which remembers everything.
And I want to tell you that I think I see a way out of this condition, and I know how to build my new personality. I brought all my emotional pain, all the lies that had shaped me, to my God. And I just started telling Him about my past, about violence, about trauma, about relationships with my parents. And the Lord placed in my heart a new truth about myself: “You are valuable. You are not worthless. You are not a victim. You are strong. I'm not like your biological father and mother. But I love you and I need you. You don't have to deserve my love. And I was always there for you, even when that guy raped you, even when your father laughed and humiliated you, when you were filled with guilt for your parents’ quarrels... I was always there for you.”
I never allowed myself to truly cry or express emotions. But this prayer broke that wall and I just cried and cried and cried. But when I got up from my knees... I realized that I am no longer a victim, I am strong.
I can't put into words how much change I feel now. But this is just the beginning. My old thinking will still try to bring me back, but I will fight and learn to stand in the love that Jesus gave me.
I’m not at all afraid to tell you about this, because a huge number of children go through similar situations; in Russia, 30-40% of children are subjected to sexual violence. All the information I wrote will not be used against me, even if the whole world now knows what I went through as a child. Because now I choose to be free
And now that I've gone through all this realization, I really want to help others like me. Those who live for many years and cannot build normal relationships in the family, who suffer from their own thoughts. I believe that there is a way out of any condition. And these are not pills and antidepressants, but faith and love.
Love and hug you all guys❤️
You are not alone
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Just a photo 🙈🙉 Nothing special 😐
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When you want to make something that will be better than the previous video, sometimes it takes longer than expected. Sometimes there is an idea and an emotion that I want to convey in a video, but it is difficult to understand how exactly I can do it. I need time. Thank you for waiting and supporting!❤️
Jesus loves YOU 🙏🏻
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My cat’s face perfectly shows my emotions during the livestream… low bow... ❤️🙏🏻
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Hello my dear friends! During the last two streams, I received an unrealistic boost of motivation. Thank God for your kind hearts and your support! It’s still hard for me to believe that the Lord is so merciful to me and gives me subscribers like you all. This is a real miracle for me and my family! On Monday I start working on a new video. I promise to create a new masterpiece for you! ❤️
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Yessss!!
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🌸Hello my dear friends! You will say that I don’t have to explain anything to anyone and can just make the videos I want. But I want to share my thoughts, maybe it will help those who are confused by my new video. Let me be honest. First of all, I always dreamed of writing music. If you look at the videos I posted 8-10 years ago, you can see that I once tried to write music. I didn’t do this very well; I did it when I was still a schoolboy. But I always received great pleasure from this process and could put my emotions and experiences into these compositions. Then I got older, I had to start working. And I realized that I could only afford beatboxing, but I had to give up writing music, because it takes a lot of time. I know that many of you are my fans because I make cool rhythms, grooves, and I do it on my streams without effects. And I'm not going to stop recording videos of me just using my phone. I understand well that beatbox touches the heart precisely because of its naturalness and skill. But sometimes I don't want to be that cool technical beatboxer, but I want to do something that I really have in my heart. I made the last video not because I want hype or trying to follow someone else. But because I like this melody very much, I tried to cover it 8 years ago, you can find this track on my channel. And then I realized that modern technologies and the experience of my friend allow me to realize this idea through beatbox. Has beatbox ceased to be beatbox due to compression, echo effect and several plugins? It's up to you to decide, I think not. But I definitely agree that this is a different beatbox, not the one we are all used to listening to. And here the main question is why you love beatboxing. For naturalness and complete absence of processing? Or do you like beatboxing as a way to create music? I understand very well for myself that I love both of these aspects. Sometimes I want to just set up a camera and beatbox like crazy. And sometimes I want to use my imagination and imagine that my beatbox is samples and a real instrument, and yes, sometimes I want to make the sound cosmic. I find it strange to call it fake or disrespectful, because good processing enriches the natural sound without distorting it. When you say that it's fake, I think that you yourself are on the extreme side and for some reason you don't allow beatboxing to have a different form of expression. It doesn’t matter to me at all, the main thing for me is that in the end it sounds beautiful. 2 years ago I wrote a condemning post about a beatbox production competition, where I said that it was not cool and not natural. But now I understand that I myself was in this extreme then and did not allow myself to think more broadly. So let's look at beatboxing from different angles, just like it happens with your favorite rock bands. On the subway or on the bus, you listen to their songs, which are processed with many effects, improvements, and in general these songs were recorded in the studio in parts. And sometimes you come home and find a video of this band singing this song live, and you get the same pleasure from it. I think it's the same situation with beatboxing.
Love and hug you all
Jesus loves you
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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Буду радовать вас своим творением)